today is better. Saw a pileated woodpecker fly by, always majestic. Saw three harbor porpoises go by, a nice gift. Sadly I give more weight to the mean man and his unfortunate dog. I get the lows, but these moderate any potential highs. Another bad sleep, 3rd day on higher dose of effexor, perhaps it's an adjustment phase. When I'm tired it really overshadows - hello understatement - the day. I wonder if I could sleep in a sensory deprivation chamber - channel an inner Michael Jackson - and I should really use my little foam earplugs of which I have several.
death is with me, quietly clearing its throat, little taps on the shoulder, showing me things, my little companion. so I try to look up and around, to see who or what else might be with me. people suggest I do things to help others, I've tried doing this my whole life, but if there is a way to do it altruistically perhaps it's what I've been missing. don't I have the right to a happy life? I think everyone else has this right so why do I feel I should be denied this? why do I feel like I instead deserve only punishment? What have I done that is so bad? it's really mystifying in my head I know I'm not a bad person but there is another voice, more convinced, more certain, more insistent, so confident that I am bad and so this - this existence of feeling bad - is simply what I have coming to me. Was I Torquemada in a previous life? Must have been.
Thanks to all the kind people who try to help.
christmas past - it's a few weeks yet 'til christmas, but we are putting up the tree tonight. this is unplanned, but the tree is in the yard, up against the house, and why ...
5 weeks ago