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Monday, November 11, 2013

found what i thought I'd lost

Haven't known what to do with myself all day. not sleeping but mostly I think it's my poor diet. Sugar, gluten, don't know. Denial of me having any other contributing factors i suppose. stayed off commenting or sharing or liking anything on FB today because a friend said she wouldn't be on FB out of respect for the day. One day is so paltry. platitudes. when reality is changed policies, downgraded or erased supports and escalating suicide rates. Was just watching a show about a u.s. crisis line, remembering wishing I was capable of doing this work still, feeling robbed feeling heartbroken for all the broken hearts and minds and souls out there, dying painfully with each though.SO many veterans of wars are suffering, needlessly and there is so very little I can do about it. I feel a fraud. I read all the kind and I believe sincerely loving comments and shares on FB by friends and family about me and other people they know who have served, Family members lost. I feel a fraud.  Theoretically I am a veteran but there are such scales of difference such breadth of unrelenting suffering that so many young and old experienced. I only heard the slightest bit of the stories out there. I cannot count myself on a par with these grieved souls. And I don't know why I think I have to be the same because there is no same, there is only anguish, degrees of, depths of severity, longevity of. Lately I've been doing pretty well. But not this day. The one day a year the country stops in its 5 and one half time zones to be still, seems so fucking paltry. I feel paltry really.I will never feel worthy of this gift of life, the pension I receive when so many others live on the streets. Do I give it all up? Is that the answer? Part of me says , dares me: yes. But then so then what I receive goes on to help probably at least 4 others very well and 8 others somewhat and then I am gone and maybe then will I feel worthy of this life, is that is what is being asked of me? To achieve the love I do not feel and have not ever felt worthy of, must I erase myself? Making art is good, is good for me, but seems so nothing  does it help? does it help  to make something out of an everyday object to transform it into something eyecatching? My artist statement asserts that this sublimation (word??) gives a message of hope in unexpected places. I just don't know.I don't know anything. I don't care enough about myself yet I care too much. And by the way I don't think paradox is as accurate a concept as I once thought. I think it is a paradox  is a paradox ad nauseum.
Glad to at least rediscover this forum, where I can hide, I can till be found, but not so [publicly. Sometimes I feel brave to speak my truth and spout things on FB but I am raw today, I am uncertain today. I am waiting for midnight so this illusion of time lets me out of November 11th. It is a;l illusion.assigning descriptors to experiences to try and make sense try and create order out of this chaos of chaos who are we trying to fool.
Sound and fury signifying nothing, fine William.

I hate Remembrance Day

well I guess at least I was able to vent. FUCK

I just lost about 500 wds of straight stream of consciousness writing and entire fucking post.

very frustrating

i hate remembrance day. I've been unhinged all day. Lost adrift, no sleep, waiting for the day to be over. 

staying away from FB and the platitudes.

Despise people in government, despair for the state of the world

so many homeless veterans, so many in poverty giving up, making the decision to take their own power back in the only way they have left.

all the words are spewed out

I guess the purpose served.