feeling quite lonely and I know it's what I have created for myself because I find it so hard to be around most people the isolation is stinging. i haven't gone anywhere much since returning from Vancouver and the loneliness is charged.
i'm feeling physically better so perhaps my fears aren't that justified perhaps it's cysts coming and going
the pain has certainly decreased and so it's maybe even IBS, not sexy but manageable.
depression really fucking sucks
i want everyone to know and to feel sorry for me that's certainly true and simultaneously don't want anyone to talk to me and also want to talk to someone.
but talking is only a temporary fix i want a permanent end to this fucking shit
i want an end to the paranoia
i want to stop hurting other people with my poison i want to stop being/feeling poisonous.
i long for some peace
most of the time when I ask myself the question as serious as I can, when I contemplate it most soberly I think i want to live but I find it very hard
there is so little joy
there should be some I think, joy that is
i would like to be someone who really lives who really lives the crap out of life
Robin Williams' suicide has hit very close and I feel a little ashamed of this because he is a stranger to me and yet I know we could have conversed familiarly on the lure of death and our efforts to numb adn also to feel something other than this darkness
caked in darkness
without the sweetness
doused in darkness
there was no flame
poetry escapes me
christmas past - it's a few weeks yet 'til christmas, but we are putting up the tree tonight. this is unplanned, but the tree is in the yard, up against the house, and why ...
5 weeks ago