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Thursday, September 15, 2016

reeling for 45 years

Seeking grace amidst disappointment and I guess a sense of betrayal, these are dangerous feelings for me. Ever since the first great betrayal - that I remember - I have not responded well to real or perceived betrayal. It cuts me very deeply. The test now is how I respond, I have great doubts in my ability to be gracious. I worry that I am not cut from that cloth. So now I'm thinking of who I can seek for advice as to how best to handle it. I feel the parallels between when i was asked to leave that and, and really, deservedly so, much to my regret and shame. I remember a few days later thinking. Thinking hard about hanging my self from a playground. That was 11 years ago. The original one was close to 45 years ago and I can still feel the reel, the numbness from it being too big and awful to take in.

The high road is harder, it's daunting especially when I really want to say stop with the fucking betrayals already. Just stop.

Don't feed me shit about how all this makes me stronger, wiser , I can't see it. Just feel more scarred, more cut, more bloodshed. Hope I don't contract an emotional infection. All these open wounds, can't keep track of all of them.