Struggling, trying to let go, trying not to cling to the desire of hurting back. Feeling so hurt, shocked, reeling, unsure how to handle. So many feelings, deep sadness, betrayal, injustice, rage, where to go with it. Processing with goal of no further hurting yet also to proceed with clearly demarked and protected personal boundaries. The realization that some people will no longer be allowed near me, for my own protection. Has taken me a long time to get here and I just feel so sad at the inevitability of it, I cannot change anyone. I can only and barely change myself.
It hurts to learn that people I look up to, love, think so very little of me, think I am certain things, without checking with me. Feeling misunderstood to a startling degree. Open to learning aka what if all the things they said about me are true? Then I am as awful a person as I feared. So why does it feel so wrong? Confusing.
I want people to tell me the truth, I don't think I'm very self aware. It sure hurts though, can they all be so right, so convinced of their rightness? Hope not.
christmas past - it's a few weeks yet 'til christmas, but we are putting up the tree tonight. this is unplanned, but the tree is in the yard, up against the house, and why ...
5 weeks ago