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Monday, January 1, 2018

more of the same

Thinking a lot about how I can learn to love myself. How can I make some changes so that I feel better. I realize I am mainly motivated by a desire to feel worth loving. Everything. If I get attention it lights a spark in me and I want to continue to receive the attention, and the n if it's unrealistic, not good, etc. I have this fantasy, this longing, to feel, to be, famous. And really, underneath that I just want to be loved. All my life wanting to feel cool, to be cool, to not be one of the mainstream to be special, worth noticing, worth loving. So strong this drive that I chose hurtful attention, cause some attention was better than none.

I feel kind of pathetic, clinging to scraps, searching for scraps. Not too clear on self-respect. Feel a danger to myself and others. Worry I'll ultimately alienate anyone who dares care for me. I'll waste their caring, use it up. And be left with an agonizing self-fulfilling prophecy that I am toxic, hence th driving everyone away ting.

I wish I felt quieter inside. I am thankful I have a brain and many creature comforts, in many ways quite fortunate. However.